If I write. Just write. Jumbled words. Half sentences. Single words. Maybe it'll all make sense? Just minutely scribbling, scribbling, scribbling. After hours of scribbling. Words and words and words. When I'm tired enough. I can maybe step back. Have a look at it. After so much effort. At least something would make sense. Or I could systematically join words... these words together to make meaningful sentences. They're mine after all. I birthed them. They came from my pen. My hand. My mind. I possess them. A large cloud of words. All mine. My black cloud of words. Smoked up words. Held closely together. Words I smoked out. A few with every exhale. I'm sure I can make sense of it all later. Maybe later. It'll make sense. I'd just need to step back. I put in a lot of effort. All of it can't go in vain. I'm sure something's there. I'll come back later. Maybe make sense of it then. When I've learnt more and can understand my own words. No, it's not like I'm possessed. I just wish I made more sense. There's so much I need to say. If only I could articulate it well enough. If I just close my eyes and let it go without thinking too much. Who's going to read it anyway? But wait. I put in a lot of effort. I've never put this much effort into anything. I have to make this work. Can't be all for naught. Not this time. Not after all that. Have to make some sense of this. That's all. Just need someone to make some sense of all this. Coz I can't make sense of it myself. Why am I waiting for someone? She helped. But I couldn't live with her. Not with someone so extreme. She scared me. I didn't want to go forever. I just wanted some space to breathe. Why couldn't she understand that? She was amazing. But why was she always crying? I didn't mean to hurt her? I couldn't stop the crying. So I took time off to maybe come back and understand it later. Just like these words. But her crying turned into something else. Hatred. Animosity. Again, I didn't hate her. I think I actually did love her. I told her. But words, words, words. Do words even mean anything any more? Just words. I want them to mean something. Each. And. Every. Single. Word. I want them to mean something. That's what scares me. She thought they were only words. When they came out of her mouth. All the screaming. Cursing everything. I've never heard anyone curse like that. It was horrifying. Hoping everyone the other person loved died?! How can someone say that?! That's too extreme. She was always too extreme with her words. She thought I could just let it go the next day after she said sorry? Is it that simple? Every time she went on this screaming and cursing tirade, I changed a little. Like Ammu said in The God Of Small Things "you just love them less." And every time it happened I loved her less. Until I could no longer stand to not only love her less but because I was afraid all that love would deplete and instead turn into hate. I didn't want to hate her. I still don't. But you don't ever want to hate the person you love. So I took a step back. Maybe she'll understand. Maybe her words would hurt less after I get some air to breathe. But it only aggravated things. I didn't hate her. But she surely started hating me. I still don't hate her. Even not after I realised that everything she said was a lie. Everything about her was a lie. Her past. Whatever she said, it was all a lie. Attention seeking. The truth was a lot worse, though. I still don't understand why I don't hate her. She was vile. Not her. Her tongue. The vilest tongue I've ever heard. The nastiest thing you can imagine. No, no. Not swear words like motherfucker or anything. Just straight up cursing like a witch. It would horrify anyone, I imagine. How can you live with someone like that? Think of the children. How can any child live through that unscathed? I couldn't. Please god. Just let her become calmer. Let her not ruin anyone else's life. Give her the best so she has nothing to curse at. Make everything better for her so she doesn't get angry any more. Wait. How did this turn into something about her? This was about me. Why don't you leave me alone. I needed you. But you only pushed me away. Sabotaged it all. From the very start. And now I'm writing about you... her. Just get out of my head. I've already got so much going on in here. I gotta make sense of this all. All these words, sentences, phrases, ideas. I need to string them together. And she's only making things worse. I need to get over her quick. I wish I never met her. I wouldn't be in this state. And maybe I wouldn't have hurt her so much. I was so sure she was the one. I had our entire future planned out. But how was I supposed to know how horrible her anger was? She kept scaring me. Every time she started screaming I'd start doubting myself. Maybe I had made a mistake with her, I thought to myself. Now I realise, I definitely did. It kills me to think she'll end up alone. That shouldn't happen to anyone. That's what I told myself when I thought about spending my life with her. "If not me then who?" But she can't get along with anyone. I hope that doesn't happen to her. I hope she learns to control her anger. I don't want that for her. I won't be in any position to help her at that time. It would be too late. Everyone told me to stay away from her. I should've known she was crazy. Wait. That's a harsh word. I shouldn't say that. 'Extreme' is the word I always used. It was less harsh or at least that's what I thought. Even I'm crazy sometimes. Have you read this? Well, now you know what I mean. Again, this was about me. What is she doing here. I was frustrated with my words and my thought pattern. And here she is again. I remember her because she helped me. She made things sound so much sensible. That is when she wasn't screaming. All I actually needed was someone to tell me I was doing OK. And she would say that. "Just stick to it. If you need help, I'll help you. You're such a talented person. You have nothing to worry about." That was really all I needed. She seems happy now though. She's back on whatsapp again. With smiling profile pictures. I guess she got her revenge. That's really what she needed. Revenge. She got it. All I wanted was help. But I was an idiot. Why did I ask her for help? I thought maybe things would get better. I did love her. But she hated me. And she pulled me along just enough so she could have her revenge. Now she does. And I hate her. Can you believe that? I did everything so that I wouldn't hate her. And now I do. What irony! I need to move on from her. It's almost been an year. And I still haven't. I will eventually... I hope. There's this other girl who's interesting. But she's nothing like me. We're poles apart. But we get along so well. She seems as broken as I am. Dammit. I can't be in a relationship like that. It'll only end horribly. Again, I wouldn't want to hate her. So I'll runaway to get some space to breathe. And then she'll hate me. But I won't hate her. And then she'll get her revenge too because I'm naive. And then I'll eventually start hating her. I don't get it. Why her? I'm attracted to her. But not because she's pretty. She's very, very pretty. Like a 9/10. So out of my league. But it's the way she talks. How she carries herself. Oh, and she's so smart and intelligent. Just like her. Maybe even smarter. And she doesn't scream. Or at least I've never seen her be angry. She's not even passive aggressive. All these good qualities and yet I have no idea if she likes me. I like her. A lot. But does she even think about me? Only when she needs my help in college. And I, like the total gullible idiot that I am, always help her out. I know she's using me most of the time. Or at least I think she is. But I still do it. "You need notes? Why don't I come all the way to your house to give it to you?" That kind of gullibility. It's not like I don't know what she's doing. But I like her company. I go because I like spending time with her. Even if she never says thanks. Except for the last time, she's never said thanks. I don't know why she thought to say it then. This time I tried to totally ignore her. But I'm horrible at that. I sent her a missed call once. Haha. What was I thinking? It was so childish. Then again, how old am I? I say that with some frustration and sarcasm. Coz this entire thing has mainly been about girls. This isn't highschool. I'm almost 30. But it's like I've been ageing in tortoise years. I'm such a horribly late bloomer. Can't believe I'm going crazy over girls. All this time I thought I was asexual. And then she had to come along and prove me wrong. I don't even know if girl #2 likes me. Have you seen her likes on instagram? Half naked men with muscles bulging out. They're like 10 times bigger than what I'll ever be. Those are the kind of guys she likes. But why does she hang out with me? I'm not at all the kind of guy she likes. Does she pity me? Is that why she's nice to me? Or is she really just using me for whatever she needs me for. I should just clear things up. But how do you ask something like that? "Hey, do you like me? Coz I really like you." What is this? 5th grade?! But I need to know. I need to know because I need to get over her. Get over girl #1 first. And when girl #2 (most definitely) tells me to stop fooling myself thinking she likes me, then start getting over her. What a hellish endless cycle! This is why I'm ready to get married. To just be with someone. I need to move on. Ha! Like that's happening with the current state I'm in. Strangely, I don't feel as bad right now as when I started writing this. Still frustrated though. Why is there no one worth trying for? And all the ones that are worth trying for... Well, things will never work out with them. I've got such horrible taste in women. I should get back to studying and stop thinking about women. Do something with my life. Maybe the women will come along with it. But I'm scared they'd be nothing but furniture. Lifeless, soulless furniture too obsessed with their cosmetics to have any drive. Don't they know how broken I am? Don't know why I think they'll work like duct tape. These cracks aren't going to be covered up by them. I need to fill them in with something else. Not women. Maybe money? No. Not that. I'll never have enough to completely fix myself. You never have enough. And it's the most unreliable thing anyway. One day it's here, the other day it's gone with that fancy dinner you had a craving for. I honestly don't know what I need to fix myself with. I want a companion, that's for sure. I need a companion. I need someone to tell me it's going to be fine. I need someone to give me hope. Doesn't matter if it's false hope. It's still hope nonetheless. What am I doing? I need to step back. I need to look at this. I need to evaluate, analyse. String this all together so I can make sense of it. Let me step back and just look at the big picture for a second. Just need to step back and look.
