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If I write. Just write. Jumbled words. Half sentences. Single words. Maybe it'll all make sense? Just minutely scribbling, scribbling, scribbling. After hours of scribbling. Words and words and words. When I'm tired enough. I can maybe step back. Have a look at it. After so much effort. At least something would make sense. Or I could systematically join words... these words together to make meaningful sentences. They're mine after all. I birthed them. They came from my pen. My hand. My mind. I possess them. A large cloud of words. All mine. My black cloud of words. Smoked up words. Held closely together. Words I smoked out. A few with every exhale. I'm sure I can make sense of it all later. Maybe later. It'll make sense. I'd just need to step back. I put in a lot of effort. All of it can't go in vain. I'm sure something's there. I'll come back later. Maybe make sense of it then. When I've learnt more and can understand my own words. No, it's not like I'm possessed. I just wish I made more sense. There's so much I need to say. If only I could articulate it well enough. If I just close my eyes and let it go without thinking too much. Who's going to read it anyway? But wait. I put in a lot of effort. I've never put this much effort into anything. I have to make this work. Can't be all for naught. Not this time. Not after all that. Have to make some sense of this. That's all. Just need someone to make some sense of all this. Coz I can't make sense of it myself. Why am I waiting for someone? She helped. But I couldn't live with her. Not with someone so extreme. She scared me. I didn't want to go forever. I just wanted some space to breathe. Why couldn't she understand that? She was amazing. But why was she always crying? I didn't mean to hurt her? I couldn't stop the crying. So I took time off to maybe come back and understand it later. Just like these words. But her crying turned into something else. Hatred. Animosity. Again, I didn't hate her. I think I actually did love her. I told her. But words, words, words. Do words even mean anything any more? Just words. I want them to mean something. Each. And. Every. Single. Word. I want them to mean something. That's what scares me. She thought they were only words. When they came out of her mouth. All the screaming. Cursing everything. I've never heard anyone curse like that. It was horrifying. Hoping everyone the other person loved died?! How can someone say that?! That's too extreme. She was always too extreme with her words. She thought I could just let it go the next day after she said sorry? Is it that simple? Every time she went on this screaming and cursing tirade, I changed a little. Like Ammu said in The God Of Small Things "you just love them less." And every time it happened I loved her less. Until I could no longer stand to not only love her less but because I was afraid all that love would deplete and instead turn into hate. I didn't want to hate her. I still don't. But you don't ever want to hate the person you love. So I took a step back. Maybe she'll understand. Maybe her words would hurt less after I get some air to breathe. But it only aggravated things. I didn't hate her. But she surely started hating me. I still don't hate her. Even not after I realised that everything she said was a lie. Everything about her was a lie. Her past. Whatever she said, it was all a lie. Attention seeking. The truth was a lot worse, though. I still don't understand why I don't hate her. She was vile. Not her. Her tongue. The vilest tongue I've ever heard. The nastiest thing you can imagine. No, no. Not swear words like motherfucker or anything. Just straight up cursing like a witch. It would horrify anyone, I imagine. How can you live with someone like that? Think of the children. How can any child live through that unscathed? I couldn't. Please god. Just let her become calmer. Let her not ruin anyone else's life. Give her the best so she has nothing to curse at. Make everything better for her so she doesn't get angry any more. Wait. How did this turn into something about her? This was about me. Why don't you leave me alone. I needed you. But you only pushed me away. Sabotaged it all. From the very start. And now I'm writing about you... her. Just get out of my head. I've already got so much going on in here. I gotta make sense of this all. All these words, sentences, phrases, ideas. I need to string them together. And she's only making things worse. I need to get over her quick. I wish I never met her. I wouldn't be in this state. And maybe I wouldn't have hurt her so much. I was so sure she was the one. I had our entire future planned out. But how was I supposed to know how horrible her anger was? She kept scaring me. Every time she started screaming I'd start doubting myself. Maybe I had made a mistake with her, I thought to myself. Now I realise, I definitely did. It kills me to think she'll end up alone. That shouldn't happen to anyone. That's what I told myself when I thought about spending my life with her. "If not me then who?" But she can't get along with anyone. I hope that doesn't happen to her. I hope she learns to control her anger. I don't want that for her. I won't be in any position to help her at that time. It would be too late. Everyone told me to stay away from her. I should've known she was crazy. Wait. That's a harsh word. I shouldn't say that. 'Extreme' is the word I always used. It was less harsh or at least that's what I thought. Even I'm crazy sometimes. Have you read this? Well, now you know what I mean. Again, this was about me. What is she doing here. I was frustrated with my words and my thought pattern. And here she is again. I remember her because she helped me. She made things sound so much sensible. That is when she wasn't screaming. All I actually needed was someone to tell me I was doing OK. And she would say that. "Just stick to it. If you need help, I'll help you. You're such a talented person. You have nothing to worry about." That was really all I needed. She seems happy now though. She's back on whatsapp again. With smiling profile pictures. I guess she got her revenge. That's really what she needed. Revenge. She got it. All I wanted was help. But I was an idiot. Why did I ask her for help? I thought maybe things would get better. I did love her. But she hated me. And she pulled me along just enough so she could have her revenge. Now she does. And I hate her. Can you believe that? I did everything so that I wouldn't hate her. And now I do. What irony! I need to move on from her. It's almost been an year. And I still haven't. I will eventually... I hope. There's this other girl who's interesting. But she's nothing like me. We're poles apart. But we get along so well. She seems as broken as I am. Dammit. I can't be in a relationship like that. It'll only end horribly. Again, I wouldn't want to hate her. So I'll runaway to get some space to breathe. And then she'll hate me. But I won't hate her. And then she'll get her revenge too because I'm naive. And then I'll eventually start hating her. I don't get it. Why her? I'm attracted to her. But not because she's pretty. She's very, very pretty. Like a 9/10. So out of my league. But it's the way she talks. How she carries herself. Oh, and she's so smart and intelligent. Just like her. Maybe even smarter. And she doesn't scream. Or at least I've never seen her be angry. She's not even passive aggressive. All these good qualities and yet I have no idea if she likes me. I like her. A lot. But does she even think about me? Only when she needs my help in college. And I, like the total gullible idiot that I am, always help her out. I know she's using me most of the time. Or at least I think she is. But I still do it. "You need notes? Why don't I come all the way to your house to give it to you?" That kind of gullibility. It's not like I don't know what she's doing. But I like her company. I go because I like spending time with her. Even if she never says thanks. Except for the last time, she's never said thanks. I don't know why she thought to say it then. This time I tried to totally ignore her. But I'm horrible at that. I sent her a missed call once. Haha. What was I thinking? It was so childish. Then again, how old am I? I say that with some frustration and sarcasm. Coz this entire thing has mainly been about girls. This isn't highschool. I'm almost 30. But it's like I've been ageing in tortoise years. I'm such a horribly late bloomer. Can't believe I'm going crazy over girls. All this time I thought I was asexual. And then she had to come along and prove me wrong. I don't even know if girl #2 likes me. Have you seen her likes on instagram? Half naked men with muscles bulging out. They're like 10 times bigger than what I'll ever be. Those are the kind of guys she likes. But why does she hang out with me? I'm not at all the kind of guy she likes. Does she pity me? Is that why she's nice to me? Or is she really just using me for whatever she needs me for. I should just clear things up. But how do you ask something like that? "Hey, do you like me? Coz I really like you." What is this? 5th grade?! But I need to know. I need to know because I need to get over her. Get over girl #1 first. And when girl #2 (most definitely) tells me to stop fooling myself thinking she likes me, then start getting over her. What a hellish endless cycle! This is why I'm ready to get married. To just be with someone. I need to move on. Ha! Like that's happening with the current state I'm in. Strangely, I don't feel as bad right now as when I started writing this. Still frustrated though. Why is there no one worth trying for? And all the ones that are worth trying for... Well, things will never work out with them. I've got such horrible taste in women. I should get back to studying and stop thinking about women. Do something with my life. Maybe the women will come along with it. But I'm scared they'd be nothing but furniture. Lifeless, soulless furniture too obsessed with their cosmetics to have any drive. Don't they know how broken I am? Don't know why I think they'll work like duct tape. These cracks aren't going to be covered up by them. I need to fill them in with something else. Not women. Maybe money? No. Not that. I'll never have enough to completely fix myself. You never have enough. And it's the most unreliable thing anyway. One day it's here, the other day it's gone with that fancy dinner you had a craving for. I honestly don't know what I need to fix myself with. I want a companion, that's for sure. I need a companion. I need someone to tell me it's going to be fine. I need someone to give me hope. Doesn't matter if it's false hope. It's still hope nonetheless. What am I doing? I need to step back. I need to look at this. I need to evaluate, analyse. String this all together so I can make sense of it. Let me step back and just look at the big picture for a second. Just need to step back and look.

Top 10 Albums Of The Year - 2011 (Part 2)

After Part 1 of my Top 10 Albums Of The Year – 2011, where we went through No.10 to No.6, its all down to the Top 5. This list really gave me a hard time to come up with and I had to think long and hard about this, but it really has come to these 5 gems.

So here it is, the Top 5 Albums Of The Year – 2011.

Drum roll, please…

5. Textures - Dualism

Its no secret I'm a huge Textures fan. Their last album Silhouettes is one of my all time favorite albums. There wasn't a single flaw in the album and in every sense, it was perfect. With Dualism, they expanded on the idea of having more space on the album, using more atmospheric effects and droning guitars to create atmosphere. But after all, they're a math-metal band, so there is still a lot of technicality as well and the album has some of the most amazing riffs and drumming I've heard all year. It does have a lot more "space" (the term the band uses) in it compared to the last album, which sometimes seems unnecessary but at certain points creates an awesome atmosphere. Yet the album is still technical, riff heavy and strangely, very catchy. This album also has one of my favorite tracks of the year, "Singularity", which has the best drumming I've heard all year round (apart from Decapitated's "Homo Sum" of course). But then their vocalist and keyboardist left in 2010 and Textures sadly isn't the same for me any more. Which is the only reason why this album doesn't go any higher than 5th place. 

Stand out tracks are "Singularity", "Reaching Home", "Burning The Midnight Oil", "Minor Earth, Major Skies" and "Sanguine Draws The Oath".

4. Last Chance To Reason - Level 2

If you're a gaming nerd like I am, then you need to check out Last Chance To Reason. No, wait. Let me rephrase that. If you're a nerd in any sense, then you need to check out Last Chance To Reason. This is one of the best prog-metal albums to come out this year. One of the main reasons I loved this album is the vocals. Michael Lessard is without a doubt one of the best vocalists in the metal genre right now. Picture this, if Michael Bublé did metal, this is exactly how he would sound like. The dude has insane range! Though, the vocals were really the selling point for me, that's not to say the music isn't good. On the contrary, the music is great! The tracks are very well-written and complicated as hell with different time signatures and the riffs are also heavy and as complicating as it gets. 

Stand out tracks are "The Prototype", "Upload Complete", "Temp Files","The Parabolic" and "Apotheosis".

3. Oh, Sleeper - Children Of Fire

Oh, Sleeper's last album Son Of The Morning was an amazing album, but it had the problem where the standout tracks "Son Of The Morning" and "The Finisher" were great but what was going on with the rest of the album, I couldn't tell and just completely missed it. With Children Of Fire, Oh, Sleeper took their writing prowess and gave it a tinge of djent to make one of the greatest albums of the year. The album is a concept album like the previous one, but this time they delved deeper into more morose topics and wrote some of the most emotional songs till date. Their vocalist 'Micah Kinard' is one of the best screamers in the genre and can scream with such conviction it truly feels like you're listening to a man who has lost all hope in mankind and is raising his fist towards god. He really is such an amazing vocalist. The tracks are arranged well with frequent acoustic songs for the listener to settle down to after the aural assaults of all those heavy songs. Mind you, these acoustic tracks aren't just breathers and meaningless, but rather come at relevant times. 

Stand out tracks are "Endseekers", "Hush Yael", "Means To Believe" and "In The Wake Of Pigs" which has one of the most frightening riffs I've ever heard.

2. Chevelle - Hats Off To The Bull

I guess I have to admit it. I am slightly biased towards Chevelle. They were basically a bridging band for me. Back when I was young and couldnt handle metal, they introduced me to music that was melodious yet heavy. It was also pretty simple and easy to listen to for my yet developing brain. So I have a special place for them in my heart. With Hats Off To The Bull, they managed to utilize their sound they perfected with Sci-Fi Crimes and wrote some amazing songs reminiscent of the This Type Of Thinking (Could Do Us In)  era. This album is a step forward for Chevelle like all the previous albums but then it leaves me wondering, where will the band go next? 

Stand out tracks are "Envy", "Face To The Floor", "Ruse", "The Meddler" and "Piñata"

1. Uneven Structure - Februus

This album.... this album is the MOST important album of the year. I'd been waiting for 2 years for this album. I heard the "Februus Extract" about more than an year ago and I knew that this was going to be epic. But how epic? I had no clue. Then the release date came and I downloaded the album. After listening to it the first time, I was left speechless. I had never before heard anything so beautiful. It had the perfect balance of heavy djent and ambient post-rock. The flow was amazing, the tracks went through seamlessly, as if the entire album was just one track. I started and I couldn't stop till the entire album was over. 

Stand out tracks are... basically the entire album. But if you want to be picky, then my favorite have to be "Awaken", "Frost", "Hail", "Awe", "Plenitude" and "Finale".

Honorable mentions:

- Protest The Hero - Scurrilous

- Animals As Leaders - Weightless

- Vildhjarta - Måsstaden

- Explosions In The Sky - Take Care, Take Care, Take Care

- All Shall Perish - This Is Where It Ends

- Legend - The Pale Horse

- The Black Dahlia Murder - Ritual

- Jesu - Ascension

- Devin Townsend Project - Deconstruction/Ghost

- Norma Jean - Meridional 

- August Burns Red - Leveler

- Between The Buried And Me - The Parallax: Hypersleep Dialogues
- Hands - Give Me Rest

Top 10 Albums Of The Year - 2011 (Part 1)

It’s that time of year again. With 2011 going off into the sunset, its time to reminiscence the awesome year it was for music. And believe me, it WAS an awesome year in music!

The amount of albums I've heard this year was immense! I'm pretty sure I've heard about 50+ albums this year. That might be a small number for some people, but that's a lot of music for me considering its all albums. Many thanks to HeavyBlog for recommending me some of the most amazing music I've heard in a very long time and keeping me up to date on the entire metal scene.

2011 was basically djent filled for me. With the djent-scene quickly catching everyone's attention with more and more bedroom-projects coming to light. Its amazing what just one person can come up with while sitting in their room.

I'll divide the list into 2 parts, with this being from No.10 to No.6 and then Part 2 from No.5 to El Numero Uno!

So without much further ado, here's my Top 10 Albums of 2011.

Let the countdown begin!

10. Xerath - II

I haven't heard a lot of symphonic-metal, but when a friend recommended 'Xerath' and told me its "symphonic-djent", I had to have a look. And I am so glad I tried it out. Their first album "I" completely blew me away. The riffs were heavy, the groove was groovy, the musicianship was spot on, and the tracks were epic.With their 2nd album, aptly titled "II", Xerath worked upon their successful formula and brought it to perfection. With songs like "Reform Part III", "Unite To Defy" and my personal favorite "Machine Insurgency" this is an album that'll take a lot of listens to fully comprehend. The only problem I had was with the constant high-pitch screaming which got annoying after a while. Their vocalist can do some amazing low-pitch growls but is strangely scarce on this album compared to the 1st. Aside from that little problem, this is an amazing album with great musicianship. Xerath are leading symphonic-metal to a new path and this album is a must listen to whoever appreciates metal with a tinge of orchestral music.
Stand out tracks are "Reform Part III", "Unite To Defy" and "Machine Insurgency".

9. Title Fight - Shed

I've never heard a lot of punk-hardcore but when I saw Title Fight's video for "Symmetry", I knew these guys did great D.I.Y.- Punk, being just a bunch of kids. Their sound was tight and their song-writing was solid and from the heart, just like a teenager. But their music sounded a lot mature than they looked. So with their 2nd album "Shed" they really shed (geddit?) their soul on this one. Its a very emotional album with just a few fast punk-ish songs. All the songs are heart-felt and emotional with just a few tracks where they seem to be having fun, but its all mostly touching stuff. 
Stand-out tracks are "27", "Shed" and "Flood Of '72".

8. Corelia - Nostalgia

This obscure band's EP I found completely by chance while traversing through the depths of the Internet. I heard a lot of good things about this band from a lot of other sources and thought to myself "I should give it a go". Disappointed, I was NOT! The songs were heavy yet beautiful. The riffing was fast and complex yet still kept that melody. I've only seen one other band do this and that band is Protest The Hero. So picture this, if Protest The Hero did djent, then this is probably what it would sound like. I was particularly blown away when I found out that the production was completely in-house with AxeFx II for the guitars and Superior Drummer 2.0 for drum tracking. And they made it sound THIS professional?! Amazing. 
Stand out tracks are  ... pretty much the entire EP since its just 5 songs. But if you still want to know which ones you should try out then, "Glass Faces", "Aviation" and "Blood Petals" would be the ones I'd recommend.

7. Mastodon - Hunter

When a band like Mastodon comes out with an album, its BIG news. They write some of the most intelligent music, give amazing performances and have some of the most epic/funniest music videos ever. No wonder they're one of the biggest progressive-metal bands at the moment. So when they come out with a new album, we should pay attention because "Hunter" is great! Its not a concept album like the previous ones, but its still got that Mastodon thing going for it. Crazy lyrics, epic sequences and just a whole round o' kick ass metal. That's what Mastodon is, really. And they've just let the steering wheel go on this one, oh what fun! 
Stand out tracks are "Curl Of The Burl", "Stargasm", "Black Tongue" and "The Hunter".

6. Decapitated - Carnival Is Forever

After the tragic accident that killed their drummer Vitek, brother to lead-guitarist Vogg and one of the greatest drummers to come out of the new age of death metal, and leaving their vocalist Covan in an indefinite coma, Decapitated seemed to be at a point where all hope was lost and they probably would have disbanded. But Vogg kept it on and found another amazing drummer Krimh, who completely filled Vitek's shoes. Then it was only a matter of time till they wrote their next album Carnival Is Forever, the follow up to one of my favorite albums, Organic Hallucinosis. The album was mostly written by Vogg and Vitek prior to the accident. But even then, you can hear the hurtfulness in the album and how the tragedy affected Vogg. For a death-metal album there are a lot of low points, where the listener is left to introspect. That is it seems more of progressive-death than straight out death-metal, but then again, I'm not complaining. This is really an amazing album. Though not as good as their last album Organic Hallucinosis, it is still a step forward for Decapitated.
Stand out tracks are "Homo Sum", the Gojira inspired "404", "Knife" and "Pest".

Well, we're down with the bottom 5 of the Top 10. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this post where I reveal my Top 5 Albums Of The Year – 2011.

Review: Chevelle - Hats Off To The Bull; Score: 4 / 5

10 years and 5 albums later, Chevelle have perfected a sound they can call their own and created an album that puts them safely at the top of the Hard Rock genre.

Chevelle is a band that has consistently been putting out great records and constantly been pushing its boundaries of sound and song-writing. In my opinion, Chevelle has never made a bad album. Every album from their first album Point #1, when they were just teenagers, they've constantly pushed the envelope and have just written some of the most amazing songs ever. Songs both filled with emotion and at times ferocity of the heaviest metal songs you've heard. And due to this reason, Chevelle has a rather good standing within the Metal community.

 With Hats Off To The Bull, they've used the sound they perfected with Sci-Fi Crimes and have written amazing songs reminiscent of both the power and emotion of the Wonder What's Next and This Type Of Thinking (Could Do Us In) era, along with the high production value and sound quality of Vena Sera and Sci-Fi Crimes era.

The album starts off with the heavy groove-laden 'Face To The Floor'. Chevelle have never written a song as groovy as this one. I use the term "groovy" not like the 70's disco-era, but rather as how the djent scene use it. The opener is a good upbeat song that serves as a reminder that Chevelle knows how to write catchy songs with memorable riffs such as 'The Clincher' from the album This Type Of Thinking (Could Do Us In).

The next few songs do not go along the same lines as the opener, where the band dwells into more morose songs such as 'Same Old Trip', 'Ruse' and the Bernie Madoff inspired track 'The Meddler'. 'Ruse' is very emotional and is one of the stand-out tracks of the album along with 'The Meddler'.

After going through such emotional "Chevelle-ish" songs we go into 'Piñata'. Another upbeat song with one of the best solos Chevelle has ever written, but is very similar to a solo I heard by another huge band, Queens Of The Stone Age.

From 'Piñata', we come to the most powerful songs Chevelle has ever written since 'Closure' from the Wonder What's Next album, 'Envy'. This track is one of my favorite tracks off the album and is just the most powerful and emotional song I've heard in a very long time. This song truly shows off Pete Loeffler's ability to write amazing lyrics, such as my favorite verse, "I may not win the race/ I may not reach the top/ Or I may not live your way/ Doesn't mean I'm stuck here". And when this is sung with Pete's angelic voice, which could make a grown man cry, it just completely drives the nail in. This track is also the first time I've ever seen Chevelle use a string arrangement to complement their songs, but its a perfect addition for the track. The song is actually rather uplifting if you read the lyrics, but its hard to say when they create such a morose atmosphere with the haunting drums, the strings and Pete's pain-filled voice. 

After 'Envy' completely destroys your self-esteem, we go off to the track which shares the same name of the album 'Hats Off To The Bull'. Its a very upbeat and catchy song that Chevelle knows how to do very well. The next are 'Arise', which is also a very uplifting song, and 'Revenge' which is another amazing emotional song which Chevelle writes well.

The next track 'Prima Donna' is the token acoustic track that Chevelle always have in their album. Though its not their best acoustic track (their best is actually 'Bend The Bracket' from This Type Of Thinking (Could Do Us In), but this is no doubt a good acoustic track.

'Clones', the last track off the album is a good closer. It ends the album in an upbeat yet provocative manner, asking us to stand up and change the way we live and not be clones.

This is an amazing album, and Chevelle have truly out-done themselves by writing some of their best songs they've written for this album. The album flows well and is a treat to listen to. But the only fault I could find was that after the 1st half of the album, the songs could not hold my attention, and after 'Envy' I sort of just drifted off. The 2nd half is not as memorable as the 1st half and they seemed uninspired. But nonetheless, this is truly a great album worthy as an addition to Chevelle's already amazing track record. And like I mentioned earlier, Chevelle has never made a bad album, and this album is testament to that.

Review: Uneven Structure - Februus. Score: 4.5 / 5

2 years in the making, Uneven Structure's album "Februus" is everything I expected and more. Its mind-bending prog-metal is the perfect balance between heavy djent, beautiful clean guitars and lush soundscapes.

The best part about Uneven Structure's new album is that they have successfully carved themselves a niche in the over-crowded djent scene. With a large number of djent-bands popping up every now and then, this album comes as a breath of fresh air. They're snippet released on youtube, formerly named as "Februus Extract", almost more than a year ago, was a sneak-peek into what they were working on. Not only did that video make "Februus" one of my most anticipated albums of the year, but it came as a ray of hope in an already crowded djent movement.

I can understand why they are often compared with djent stalwarts, "TesseracT" because of how similar their guitar tones (clean and distorted) and melodic parts sound like, but they have an entirely different thing going for them. Uneven Structure's focus is more on utilizing heavy palm-muted riffage to complement their beautiful post-rockish soundscapes that they paint. The heavy riffage only helps to create a build up to crushing crescendos, rather than TesseracT's approach of groove-laden song structures complemented with melodic and clean guitar parts. Also, TesseracT does not rely on atmosphere like Uneven Structure, where atmosphere is the main element of the band.

But enough about the band, on to the actual review of the album.

The album is actually structured in 3 parts. With the 1st segment being 'Awaken', 'Frost' and 'Hail', these tracks follow a single musical concept, till we go to the first interlude, 'Exmersion'. From here 'Buds', 'Awe' and 'Quittance' are the 2nd segment which follow a similar musical concept, till comes the second interlude 'Limbo'. After that, 'Plentitude' and 'Finale' bring the album to climactic close.

The album starts off with 'Awaken'. The band's 1st ever music-video (a beautiful visual treat in itself), which I understand why they would choose it to be their début single. Its the most straight-forward song off the album and gives you a glimpse of what the entire album has in store for you.

From 'Awaken' it goes off to 'Frost'. The youtube snippet I mentioned earlier? That was actually 'Frost', and its my personal favourite off the album. There's just something about the part at 2:31 that makes me go all wind-mill. The first time I heard the youtube track, I instantly knew the potential in it, and I loved every moment of it. It has everything. Crushing djent, heavy groove-laden riffage, soft post-rockish atmosphere, clean guitar melodies and an awesome end to an amazing song.

Just before you realize 'Frost' is over, 'Hail' kicks in... hard.

After the heavy barrage of 'Hail' you're given a moment to catch your breath with 'Exmersion'. The band shows off their ability to create a soothing atmosphere with ambient music, which is really what you need after going through such complex tracks like 'Awaken', 'Frost' and 'Hail'.

With 'Exmersion' fading off into the silence the band brings us slowly back into the djent with 'Buds'. From here on, its more heavy music with 'Awe' and 'Quittance' which might be one of the heaviest tracks off the album, till we literally go into 'Limbo'. A track so heavy with atmosphere, you could cut it with a knife.

'Limbo' is the last time you'll get a chance to catch your breath, till we move into the last segment of the album, 'Plentitude' and 'Finale'. Here, the band shows off how it can completely grab you and take you through a musical journey and create one of the most climactic endings I've heard in a very long time. You won't be wrong to assume that both 'Plentitude' and 'Finale' are actually one complete song, because it obviously seemed that way to me when I heard it. 'Finale' sounds like its the outro to 'Plentitude'. The same musical progression continues from 'Plentitude' into 'Finale' which then eventually fades out to end the album.

The entire album is so flawlessly seamed together, its hard to tell when one track ends and the other starts. A feat almost impossible to pull off, but Uneven Structure do it effortlessly. The continuity of the album from one track to the other is perfect, which makes it feel as if the entire album was supposed to be heard in one go.

There is also a 2nd CD that comes along with the album containing 3 tracks, which all together are almost half an hour long. They're entirely ambient tracks, which would not seem out of place as a movie or video-game score. It sort of reminded me of the soundtrack to Limbo, but then again, I couldn't tell the difference between one ambient track to the next. That's why I don't have much to say about this CD. I honestly, couldn't tell the difference between any of the 3 tracks. It seems the mastermind behind Uneven Structure, Iggy, is a huge ambient-head. Having an ambient side-project, "worC", its no wonder he would include something like this on "Februus". But then again, I'm not complaining because that's a genre I'm not at all familiar with.

If you want, you can skip the 2nd CD, but I think you should still give it a chance. Its not really my cup of tea, but I rather enjoyed a few parts of it.

Overall, this is an awesome album! Probably the most amazing album I've heard since "The Ocean - Precambrian" (that album was a total mind-job, by the way). But "Februus" is such an amazingly, well structured album that you can't help but listen all the way through. The layer upon layer of textures creates such a thick atmosphere that you'll be lost in the fuzz of guitars and at times the cooing of the vocalist. That is, till his screams (bundled with the heavy djent) comes back to wake you up again.

This album is a must listen for any metal-head who likes to dabble in the progressive side of music. And if anything "post" is your thing, then you'll completely love this album.

The HAARP Machine Denied Entry Into USA. Go Figure!

The HAARP Machine, a death metal band from Reading, UK were recently denied entry into the US for their upcoming tour, playing along side Decapitated. Why you ask? No clue, yet. But here are a few things that could've forced the US government into taking this decision.

1. The lead guitarist (the dude on the extreme left), whose name is Al' Mumin. A Muslim and probably a desi (well, I think so). He's also sort of middle-eastern looking, isn't he? Especially with the shumagh (head scarf) and the beard. Well, to most ignorant westerners, he looks absolutely middle-eastern. Would that have to do with anything? I'd like to suspect it does.

 2. The name of the band "The HAARP Machine". A conspiracy theory involving the US government, with something to do with a research project to alter the weather and/or use it as a weapon. My knowledge on this subject is quite low, so I'm not going to say anything more than, its a conspiracy theory.

 3. They're a Death-Metal band. A genre of music so extreme, most people can't fathom the gory lyrics and super fast music which mostly sounds like noise to the general public. Even metalheads go "WTF?!" when they hear death-metal. Its that extreme! Even bands like Cannibal Corpse and Nile weren't allowed in some countries. (Dont know about Nile, but I know for a fact Cannibal Corpse were denied entry into Australia). 

4. 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks. The US government has been paranoid beyond comprehension ever since that catastrophe occured. Everyone I know (which are mostly Muslim btw) have had trouble getting into or just passing through the US. So I'm certain anyone who looks even remotely Muslim is a no-no on American soil.

 So this brings me to question, could racial profiling be the reason for denying them entry? As a Muslim living in the West, my personal experience says, "yes". Several "random" checks on flights have led me to believe this is an obvious case of racial profiling.

Rant: Voting For A Scholarship

A few people have come up to me, asking for me to vote for them on a website which "allegedly" is going to give the winner of a voting contest, a $2000 scholarship (or a full scholarship depending on who asked me). Strange, isn't it?

Not only did I find this a crazy way of deciding who should get a scholarship, but isn't it just unfair as well? I mean, when did getting a scholarship turn into a popularity contest? Doesn't the desire to study count for anything any more?

So according to this type of scholarship schemes, if you've got good people skills, lots of friends (I use the term "friends" very liberally here), and not have a problem with whoring yourself out, then you definitely deserve a scholarship. You've got to be kidding me, right?! Whatever happened to assessing a person for a scholarship on the basis of how good their academics are?

I can't help but wonder if these scholarship trusts have a hidden agenda with these types of schemes. An underlying fine-print yet to be read. Because it just makes no sense why anyone in their right mind would determine if a person is eligible for a scholarship on the basis of his capability to herd in everyone they know into voting for them. What about the other guy who is actually too poor to afford a scholarship? He doesn't have an entire arsenal of voters at the tip of his hands! What if his academics were better than the person who got the scholarship? Does his ability and commitment to study hard not mean anything? Instead a person who has good social skills is better suited for an academic scholarship.

No, that's just bullshit. Its not necessary that people who are good at interacting with other people would be better at academics. Most book-worms I know are shy people. And I guess its a "nerd-thing" to be socially inept. But that doesn't mean just because someone is a social pariah, he should be punished like this. How are "social-skills" a criteria for an "academic" scholarship?!

Are the people granting the scholarship so incompetent that they have no way to assess a candidate's eligibility that they have to resort to general voting? That's just stupid. I'm sure there's a hidden agenda here somewhere. Like a lewd marketing scheme you know is wrong but you just can't put your finger on what it is.

By the way, the links to the voting scholarships can be found here and here.

Guitar Issues

Its videos like this of Tosin Abasi playing his song "Wave Of Babies" off his new album that just crushes my self-esteem and I end up thinking "there is no way I'm going to be able to play the guitar".



But then, I get to see a video of this guy playing the bass with just one arm and my hope of being able to play the guitar is restored. I mean, just look at him! He even shreds! On a freakin' bass! How hardcore is that?!



Well, if you're wondering why the Doctor is talking about guitars, its because I've bought a new guitar. Actually, its my first guitar and I'm really excited about it. But the problem with the guitar, as is the problem with any instrument, is that its just so difficult at the start to learn how to play it. Its been 2 months since I've bought it and I still cant play anything... substantial. I mean, sure, I know how to play "Tool - Schism" (and a few other songs) but I cant play the entire thing through.

It just sucks, I tell you. But anyways, I guess I'll stick to it. No reason of just letting it go now when I'm really into it and started to understand it. But it just gets you down when you're not able to accomplish what you started out to do, doesnt it?

The Stuff On slashTHREE Is Amazing!

To tell you what I'm referring to, you have to visit this website that I stumbled across www.slashthree.com.

I came across this website after I was going through www.deviantart.com. I've been going through this "artistic" phase ever since I got my new camera (FYI - my new camera is a Canon 500D which clicks some sick shots!). So I was looking at other people's pictures to get some ideas of how I could try some different angles. I tell you, DeviantArt has been a lot of help (but we're straying away from what I was 'really' telling you guys). So I saw a few pictures and the artists said that they submitted these to slashTHREE. I followed the link to find out what this "slashTHREE" was and when I got there, I was blown away! slashTHREE is a website to a certain online community of artists. It displays "artpacks" which are basically a theme to which the member artists are supposed to create their works of art. The level of professionalism in the pictures by these artists is just amazing, considering that some of these artists are just in their teens. But its not the teenagers that really caught my eye, it was these few guys almost the same age as I and they were making some unbelievable works!

[Picture taken from www.slashthree.com]

One guy that has really blown me away has to be this guy from Serbia who goes by the name 'Gloom' (above). This dude is on a completely different level. He doesn't have a lot of color in his works and his works are usually black and white (with some brown now and then) but the level of detail is just mind boggling! My favorite has to be his "Black Dream". This one is just unbelievable. The level of detail on the hound is amazing! You can see every vein-type thing that makes up the hound and the serpent. Another one that I thought was amazing was "Weiss's Secret". It just has that eerie feeling that you can see that the clown is hiding something, something very frightening. To be able to convey such emotions through a picture is beyond my amateur ass. Therefore I bow to 'Gloom'. You my friend, have a shit load of talent. And I hope you use it well.

[Picture taken from monophotography.co.uk]

Another guy whose work I was particularly fond of is this guy who goes by the name 'Mono' (above). Now 'Mono' is a photographer from Scotland who usually takes pictures of the beach, but his shots are just amazing. His work "Respice Finem" is a personal favorite. That foggy effect he has is basically shooting the waves at a very, very slow shutter-speed also called 'long exposure', which gives an ethereal element to the picture. Kudos to Mono for using minimal fancy camera-techniques to make an illusion of some seriously awesome shit. "Salvation" is also a good picture, which I have no idea how he did it. I don't think its digital manipulation, I actually think that that bridge is in the middle of the water. Oh well, we'll never know. But yeah, this guy sure knows how to take pictures. I might try that long exposure trick as well but first I need a tripod.

After going through all those pieces of art, I'm just amazed at how much talent these guys on slashTHREE have. slashTHREE has got a good thing going on here. Being able to bring together some of the new upcoming artists online is a great thing. Of course those completely eccentric/snobbish artists from art-school aren't here, so the level of some of the other artists is slightly amateur but they're still good with a good concept in most of their works. But I guess that comes with maturity, and most of these people are just teenagers so you can't really blame them.

You can bet that slashTHREE is going to be on my regularly visited list. And I can also imagine the new artpacks to have more awesome artworks to display. So if you guys want a dose of some seriously screwed-up works of art go and have a look and be amazed.

A Strange Dream

I had a very strange dream a few days ago. I've been a little disturbed by it and haven't really told anyone about it. I sensed the need to write it down because I have never felt this strangely before by a dream. It involved a person who was very dear to me and had passed away a few years ago. Clearly, the loss of this person was very heavy on me considering I was in my teens at that time and had never lost someone so close. That's why the vision of this person deeply effected my emotions. Now, I don't mean this to be an emotional post at all, its just that the strangeness of what I felt is something that I wish to archive.

I don't remember much about the dream other than it had a very comical feel to it. With a TV actor I know to be in it, a few children, a volcano... and that's about all I remember about it. But the entire dream was nothing that I cared for and I forgot about it as soon as I woke up. But the time that I woke up was the most startling part of the entire dream. At the end of the dream, I saw the person who I had loved so much. It was only for a moment. And in that moment I remembered everything about her, how she looked like, the way she smelt, the way she felt, everything. I had forgotten everything about that person, being almost 5 years to her death. And even though I had consciously tried to keep a memory of this person, I had forgotten all I knew of her. But all it took was a moment and all the memories came rushing in. This event was too unbearable for me so I suddenly woke up.

Its been 3 days now and I'm starting to forget what I felt. But for that day, even after I woke up, the feeling was so strong that I couldn't forget it. For the whole day, that was all that was in my mind. The vision was so vivid and I didn't think I could forget, but here I am 3 days later trying to remember exactly how I felt and I can only recall about 75% of it. I tried writing it down the same day but couldn't get the privacy to. And now no matter how hard I try, I keep forgetting about it. It's like new memories are being over-written no matter how hard I try to hold on to them. And it scares me...

Is the "good doctor" in?

Why, he certainly is. "But doc... ", you might ask. "Why no updates for the past month?" Well, its only because I've been having a few technical difficulties with my computer. In the past month I've had everything from my hard-drives crashing, to my motherboard and CPU over-heating. I've fixed the first 2 problems by replacing my hard-drive and fixing the overheating motherboard by opening and cleaning all the components on the motherboard which lead me to creating another problem. When I took my CPU heat-sink out to clean it, I broke off 1 of the connecting points. Now my CPU heat-sink doesn't sit correctly and my CPU is over-heating to some freaky extreme temperatures! Like, 73 degrees Celsius!

So yes, its been difficult. Also, I'll be moving to my new house this weekend so I've got a lot of things that I'd be doing for the move. With all the packing and cleaning, I have no idea when I'll be able to write a new post. But rest assured, it will be soon...

My Own Jagged Little Pills/Clicks

I recently came across an article on www.cracked.com about how game-designers use certain techniques to draw people into their games and turn them into mindless zombies. You can read the chilling article here.


This article came at a time when I recently developed a very unhealthy habit of playing a Role-Playing Game (RPGs). The name of this RPG is 'Dragon Age: Origins'. A great game developed by BioWare, a company which has some award-winning RPGs to its credit like Baldur's Gate, Neverwinter Nights, Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic, and the recent award-winner Mass Effect. Now all these games I've never had the privilege of playing, but after reading a lot of good reviews about 'Dragon Age: Origins', I finally downloaded it and played it. Now that I've played it, I have to say, its an amazing game! With great graphics, art design, musical score and a compelling story, it has me gripped.


The problem with the game is just how huge it is! Till now, I've clocked in 50 hours of gameplay and have only completed 25% of it. This game will take an eternity to finish! I am certain that this can't be healthy for me. But the only thing that has me coming back to it is the story. Now 'story' is an important factor for me. It actually gives me a sense of accomplishment. When I'm done with a game, the completed story give me an assurance that I have haven't wasted all my time and that I've actually learned or experienced something by living through the story on screen. Which is the main reason why I don't play RPGs.


RPGs to me always seemed pointless. The story-less games where you just clocked in enormous hours to develop a character that has no meaning has always lead me to question, "why?". Why would someone do something that is so pointless? But now I understand. Although the pull of 'Dragon Age: Origins' isn't like 'World Of Warcraft' (WoW) which is actually a Massive-Multiplayer-Online-Role-Playing-Game (MMORPG), it uses those same sneaky techniques WoW uses.

I never play those MMORPGs just because I've heard those game-addiction horror stories of people losing their lives or even dying due to exhaustion like the guy who played WoW for 72 hours straight and then died. Also why I don't play FarmVille or Mafia Wars. Although, these 2 examples aren't as fatal as the previous one but they're still on the same lines.

After reading the above article, its given me a reality check as to how fine the line is that divides the addicts from the normal people. It gave me a clarity of how careful I should be of my own lack of control.

Good people?

I've been reading this book called "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. Its supposedly a book that's considered to be the bible for Capitalistic ideology. Even though this book is a snooze-fest, I came across a line where the protagonist, who is an industrialist looking for someone to get a steel bridge made, says to her colleague "Why is it so hard to find good people nowadays?" This made me think, when was there ever a time when we had good people? I mean, all I've ever heard businessmen say is "its so hard to find good people nowadays". But I have never heard anyone say, since the beginning of time, that "good people" were so abundant that if you picked up a stone and threw it, you'd hit a "good person". Seriously, how come every business-person says the same thing? What a cliche.

Oh Africa, Have A Waka-Waka World Cup!

Its the FIFA World Cup 2010 and I am psyched! This is World Cup I'm going to make sure to watch all the matches now that I actually have a good TV set and I'm able to watch it without any problems like I had in India. Although, I wished to make this a memorable one with a whole party going on at home but I can only do so much with the pepsi and the chips. You really miss your friends at a time like this. Oh well, I guess you can't have everything.

I should have made this post earlier, before the Cup started, but I got so carried away with trying to make this World Cup fun and getting the match viewing more interesting that I forgot to write anything.


This World Cup I'm supporting Argentina just because of one reason, Lionel Messi. I just love Messi. He is like a beacon of hope to all short people like myself. He shows that being small doesn't mean you can't play any physical game better than anyone else. Other than that, the Argentinian legend Maradona is coaching the team which means they've got a good chance at the World Cup. My 2nd choice for the World Cup has to be my all time favorites Germany. Even though Ballack isn't playing this time, they're still my best. So I hope at least one of these teams win.


So everyone, have a great World Cup. I'm off to watch the next match between Australia and Germany. Although, I'm here in Australia, I can't really support them. So, GO GERMANY!! But not to forget, GO ARGENTINA!!

Game Review: "Devil May Cry 4", Score - 3.5 out of 5

I've been a fan of the Devil May Cry series since the first game came out back in 2001. I remember reading about it that it was from the creators of "Resident Evil" which really caught my interest. I didnt have a PS2 back then so I used to mooch off at a friend's house just so I could get to play it. (Ah, the good ol' days)

Devil May Cry is a 3rd-person action game. You take the role of Dante, the son of the demon Dark Knight, Sparda. Dante is a half-demon, half-human, an offspring of a demon father and human mother. Dante is the bad-ass of bad-asses. Armed with his humongous sword "Rebellion" given to him by his father and his dual-pistols "Ebony and Ivory" that he wrought by his own hands, he faces the hordes of demons who have escaped from hell. Dante's day job is as a Demon-hunter, a Private Investigator of sorts, who looks into demonic problems and settles them in his own way (which is basically blowing them to kingdom come).

The DMC series has always had Dante in the lead role battling out the demons on his own (with a little help from a few friends like Trish, Lady or Lucia). But in DMC4 we're introduced to a new character Nero who is a soldier in some cult and he fights off demons. The unique thing about Nero is that his right hand is demonic, giving him some extra abilities. In this game, you play half the game as Nero and half the game as Dante.

The best part about this game is the amount of moves it has! Playing with Nero is not bad with his few moves similar to Dante's but its his Buster move that allows you to set off a very cinematic move with the press of just one button. Its a visual treat and gives a helluva blow. But my favorite has to be Dante just because his fighting styles are really versatile. I mean, they put a lotta effort into setting up his 4 unique styles, 3 long range weapons and 3 close range weapons. When you have them all at your expense, the combos really start stacking up and its just amazing to watch Dante go all postal on the demon's ass.

The story of DMC4 is pretty clichéd. Although, its different to the previous installments of DMC, they couldn't touch that slight dark and morbid feel of the previous games. The new protagonist is Nero and the game's story revolves mainly around him. He's got his cocky teenage attitude, his own love story, revenge, redemption etc.(why does every Japanese game have a teenage kid with an annoying cocky attitude?!) Yes, Dante still has a sense of humor (which thankfully isn't as annoying as DMC3) and his pun seems to be a breath of fresh air in this hurricane of bad voice acting. But the bright environments and less Gothic feeling makes the setting seem so out of place.


I put well over 20 hours into this game on the Demon Hunter difficulty. This has to be one of the longest games I've played in a while. You have to play the 1st half of the game as Nero, which is actually all the levels of the game, and then the other half as Dante where you go through all the levels backwards to where the game began. It really is a BIG game. But it was well worth it. The fighting system in my opinion is the best any 3rd-person action game has been able to make. The fluidity of the moves and how you chain them together without feeling rigid is a huge task that they've accomplished. It feels like an arcade game but its done with believable and realistic animation so it doesn't feel like its a cartoon or something.


This game is all about the fighting. Its fighting system is the most polished in any of the previous games. Everything feels just right once you get the hang of it. But everything other than the fighting is poorly done. The new enemies weren't really that interesting and seemed few in comparison to the expanse of the game. The OST seemed to work well with the fight sequences, but when I heard the same song by itself, it just seemed so bland. But that doesn't mean it didn't work well with the game. It always got me pumping to go against those hordes of demons with my rock music. It just felt right. But like I said, with a mediocre story and poor voice acting, the main purpose of playing the game just didn't give me enough motivation. All I had to look forward to was the insane moves I could pull of and just stacking up the combos was so fulfilling.

Book Review: "The Kite Runner" - Khalid Hosseini

Like I said in my previous review, Khalid Hosseini is an amazing narrator! He really knows how to get your emotions running. Like his other books, he pulls on every string in your heart. And like his other book, this one is also a roller-coaster of emotions. There were a few parts in the book that had me really holding back my tears.

But because I read "A Thousand Splendid Suns" first, I can't help but compare it to that one. Even though that one came after "The Kite Runner". People said that "The Kite Runner" is his best work and his best story but I can clearly say that "A Thousand Splendid Suns" was better than this. The story is very well written but half way through the book I was waiting when the actual story was going to start. It seemed a little too slow for me at the start. And strangely, the most important event in the book, the thing that happens to Hassan, seemed the least moving to me. Does that make me bad person?

The book gave me a view into the whole anti-Hazara feel that Afghanistan has which was sort of an eye-opener, considering how until now I'd always thought them to be the actual Afghanis. Basically, thats because they were the only ones I had met at the Ruz-Bukhari restaurants back in Saudi Arabia.

I wonder why this book got so much publicity? I remember it being all over the media at the time when Umreeka (USA) had invaded Afghanistan. I guess it was one of those books the American media was pushing so that people thought what they were doing in Afghanistan was somewhat...divine.

This book was a good read. Khalid Hosseini is a good narrator, no matter how lame the story is. He really knows how to catch the attention of the reader. The story didn't seem as intriguing as "A Thousand Splendid Suns" but it still was a good narration of the adventure Amir and Hassan go through, and the life of Afghani social life when Afghanistan wasn't so broken.

Review: "A Thousand Splendid Suns" - Khaled Hosseini

I'm not really a bookworm and I don't really like reading books. Well, that's not entirely true because I do like reading books. Its just that I never have either the time or the patience to read through a book. Novels are one thing that I'd always had a slight bias against. I don't know if its a self-bias or one caused by someone else saying something about them, like my father or some other elderly person telling me how novels are a waste of time and how I should be reading something more important. Well, I'll never know. Its sort of subconscious thing now. I have read a few novels, enough that you could count on your fingers, but the fact is that I have.

Recently, I found this book lying around in my house. I had heard how big "The Kite Runner" had been and was recommended to by my friend's girlfriend who had mentioned it to be her favorite book ever. One that was soooo dear to her that she gave it to my friend as her first gift in their relationship. Now this puzzled me and I had to find out how good Khaled Hosseini is. And because I had so much time while on my new job, I had to pass time doing something and I thought a book would be a good way as I need to work on my reading and writing skills. So I got this book and I started off.

Khaled Hosseini has a strange way of writing. His writing style reminds me of those Urdu passages I used to read in school. How the narration was very poetic even though they were just narrating a story. How they used examples that they had talked about previously in the story. Khaled Hosseini uses that same style of writing in this book by Urdu poets as well. I say "poets" because I saw that it was usually poets who also used to write stories we used to study in school. He uses a lot of Pashtun words in the books which I strangely knew meant. Basically, because Urdu uses some of the same words Pashtun uses. I've got a strange story about Pashtun and Urdu that happened while I was in Saudi Arabia, but thats for another time. There are times where the author just literally translates some lines into English, which I think was a great way to get across what the Afghani people actually say and their particular use of such words. Which is mostly seen when they curse, but then again, you get to see the true person when they're cursing, don't you?

I loved the way he takes the book through the eyes of the two main characters, Mariam and Laila. He starts with the story of one character, then the other. And there's a part where its a single scene and he narrates it through the eyes of one character in one chapter and then in the next chapter it goes over to the other persons eyes and then he tells it from her perspective. Great narration style. At that particular point, he had me on the edge.

But the thing that really had me on was the very, very grim picture he painted of Afghanistan. The war-torn land of Afghanistan. Living through wave after wave of conquerors, trying to take over the land. First the Soviets, then the Warlords, then the Taliban, then the Americans. He's written very well the emotions that go through people at the time of war, but of course, at times they seem very fictitious as well. If there's a word to describe this book clearly, it would be "gut-wrenching". Seriously, at times I was so disgusted to what was going on that it had my stomach in knots. This book is so sad that at times you're like "how can anyone even come out of this kind of stuff normally?". Its that disgusting.

People had told me conspiracy theories about Khaled Hosseini and why his book Kite Runner had become so famous. How the Americans needed his book to be able to push forward their agenda of going into Afghanistan to "liberate" the people there. And how their war was like the cleansing of the land, to bring order and save the people of Afghanistan (which we've found wasn't the truth at all for the war). But yes, you have to admit how strangely, the book ends with everything getting better for the main character once the Americans arrived. But then again, they're just conspiracy theories and can't really be trusted.

Overall this book was amazing to read. The narration style is great with his very poetic Urdu style of narration. The picture of Afghanistan is slightly accurate to how Afghani families are (I say "slightly" because I have never been with an Afghani family, just observed one or two while I was in Saudi Arabia, so I don't really know). At times he had me on the edge as to how much more atrocities the main characters could endure. But at times its just gets too much and you can't really believe that things could get THAT bad. It just loses touch with reality at some points. Its like a sob-story after a sob-story. Like some communist story of the poor man enduring tragedies after tragedies with no end in sight (slightly sadistic, if you ask me). But again, its a good read and I recommend it.

Say what?

Have you ever had a conversation where you couldn't or didn't say anything because you kept thinking about the impact and/or consequences anything you say could have? Well, I've been going through that dilemma for a very long time now. This has sort of turned me away from interacting with anyone at all. I've become slightly paranoid. This kinda reminds me of a line from the movie "The Last Samurai", when that Japanese kid comes to Tom Cruise, when he's losing every fight with that other samurai, and says, "too many minds". Thats exactly what's happening to me. I have so many things going through my head when I'm talking to a person that I don't have the mental capacity to think of the conversation I'm having at the moment. Which in turn leads me to run out of things to say.


I still don't know what this type of disorder is called. I guess, I haven't come by this in my medical textbooks yet.

I swear, I tried so hard not to turn this into just another "emo" -blog but then again, I thought that writing about my emotional spasms is necessary 'cause its the product (as well as the essence) of all the things that are going through your mind. I'd say that its essential in psychotic studies, but thats just me. So here I am recording my delusional thoughts in an attempt to understand my own thinking. Haven't got too far, I'll tell you that.